This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”