craving $300 all of a sudden
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Möther may I have a snäck
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship