Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Finally!
i really liked this one
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.