What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
You Might Also Like
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs