[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
my nickname in college
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall