If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.