Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing