I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Bill is short for Billiam
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
No. YOU-buprofen.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died