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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
some Old Testament wisdom
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
WHY?!
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.