holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”