I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.