My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.