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Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.