I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.