[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”