I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
britain’s three elite institutions
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.