one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.