Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Print is alive and well!!!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.