How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee