crying
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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong