My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
You Might Also Like
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Mistakes were made
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.