an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
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I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”