Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Never ghost your hitman.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I put the hot in psychotic.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*