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me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
relationship goals
selfie game
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby