dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket