Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me too door. Me too.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*