My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
😎 🍻
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?