They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
me and the Superbowl rn
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening