Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
stand with me against insufficient seating
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?