gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You Might Also Like
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
We’ve all been there
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”