Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?