I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
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There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”