You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet