Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
You Might Also Like
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
😲 WTF? 😆
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I like donuts.
Twitter:
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
How I like cutting carbs
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed