A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no