If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.