Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?