[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
you know what ruined my childhood? children
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now