Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
everyone has that one prude friend
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows