If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
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Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.