The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital