Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
This came to me in a dream.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?