ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo