The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.