My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
*bites zombie*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.