[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man