My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Sharon I have some bad news
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.