My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?