me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”