[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.